Mental Diarrhea

Where is That Match?

2010-04-08T08:19:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, it has been a little while.
Much has changed....

The last young man is long gone,
Not even in the same city anymore,
Out of site, out of mind.
And I realized that I have never been so not attracted to a man,
As I was this one.

On to another now,
Brown, Loc'd, Tall, Sturdy, Big hands
All that jazz
You know how I like 'em.

and Clever
Boy, is he clever.
Well not really, But he tries.

However, hanging with him,
and other deliciously black men I have noticed
one thing...
And I have one question.
Where the hell is that match?
Where is that fire?
That cool sexy fire, black men have been known for?

I have been surrounded with it my whole life.
My Grandpa, my Brother, my Older un-blood related brother.
They don't have to say much, they just sit there
And you know they are cool-headed, deep but dangerous.
They love their women with a quiet heat and force.
You can feel that strength...

Is it just my family? There is a shortage of these men where I am,
And I am now realizing, I need it. I crave it.
Or they're in hiding.

When I'm with Tall&brown, I feel the heat,
Heat that a fire snuffed has left.
But it's not all the way there.

How do you light it?
What do I do?
I have that fire in me, burning bright.
that quiet fire, even my mama noticed.
But I need that fire from outside too,
So it can grow.

So tell me,
Where is that damn match.

Wish me these men. Wish me something.

P.S
I noticed most of my post are about men.
I think its an addiction.

OH SHIZ. COnfusion

2009-11-07T08:24:00.001-08:00

Weelll hello there.

IT IS MY SECOND FAVORITE MONTH.

NO-SHAVE NOVEMBER a.k.a NOVEMBEARD.

Now, on to new business.

I am in a pickle.

Well.

Not a pickle per se,

but i do have a lot of thinking to do.

There's a Man, and this Man likes me.

And I think he's really cute and funny

He has long hair and a beard. Actually its more like a Goatee...

Anyway, you know I'm a sucker for that.

However, i feel as thought I'm being way to picky about him.

He doesn't have a strong jawline, and that ALWAYS makes to go crazy nuts.

He doesn't "stimulate" my mind. I cant talk about old movies or books.

He's just not into it.

We don't have a problem talking,

but we fail to have stimulating, intelligent conversations.

Last night we talked about getting drunk.

Fun, but not the only thing on my mind.

Oh, yeah and his ex-girlfriends.

I pretty much know everything about his life.

And I'm okay with that, but I'm more of a private person

(said on an online blog...)

But i just don't feel that i can just tell him things.

Now don't get me wrong, he has his moments.

He's Very sensitive, and he's not ashamed to tell me about the times he has cried.

And he is a beautiful artist, and he is passionate.

But these moments are few and far between.

He's an open book... and that makes me stand off a little.

People say opposites attract, and i am attracted.

Its a weird feeling i have. And i don't know what to do.

Maybe i'll just go with the flow.

Guuh...

Wish me sane, wish me something.

P.S.

Funny story.

My first year of college, there was this guy that worked at a museum at my school.

He had dreads, and therefore automatically had my heart.

We was tall, he had a beard. He was gorgeous.

I love the Photography Museum, and i used to go all the time to look at the photos... and him

This year, there is this guy that has a class across the hall from my Japanese class.

He has crazy wavy hair, really tall. He wears glasses and he has a beard.

GORGEOUS. I find myself waiting for him to either be sitting outside, or walking to his class.

Yesterday i saw him outside the photography museum...

And then something clicked.

Its the same guy.

Funny how fate does things.

Hmmph.

2009-10-09T06:13:00.000-07:00

Well.
Everything sucks at the moment.
Well not everything,
But the majority of MY life sucks.
A.K.A: my romantic life.

You ever wanted something so bad, you convinced yourself that you had it?
Yeah, i put myself in that situation recently with BC*.
Im an idiot, but luckily i didnt out myself.
I dont think i could have lived through that.

But i found throught my friend, that BC confided in him that,
He may have a crush on a girl that half italian, half asian.

I am niether of those.
(damn those asian girls, why do they get EVERYTHING)

And what sucks even more was that deep down i knew we werent really right for each other.
I liked him in theory:
The Gorgeous, broke musician who is also very strange.
But because i wanted that so bad, I didnt want to believe it.

The the Other annoying part
Was that I did what Bestie told my to do.
And put myself out there.
i didnt want to like him too much.
But she told me not to shut out, that was my problem.

And this is why i dont do it. I dont put myself out there.
Its lonely, but i dont constantly get shot down.

Well I'm off to class...and Mentally Sulking.

Wish me Love, Wish me something.

Lost in the blur of my thoughts.

2009-09-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

What is it i want?
There's a boy, well a man.
(I cant seem to grasp the fact that I am no longer a girl, and they are no longer boys.)
He's so elusive, so mysterious.
I don't know, I want to know what he's thinking.
What he wants.
Is it me?
Is it just my company as a "friend"
Why does he avoid my looks,
But i can feel his eyes often.
Why does he comment on my daily ramblings?
Is his aim to confuse me?
Am I receiving the not so blaring signals correctly?
The blaring signals that the other cute Mexican man gives so sweetly.

What do you want?
What do I want?
What does he want?

Is it me?
Is it you, is it him?
Is it me?

Bleh. Confusion. Hormones. Ack.

Wish me something.

Let the Light Back into this Empty Room

2009-08-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

I broke the rules.
I hooked up...
With someone I'm not supposed to...
But it was wonderful...

And whats more wonderful, is that he is not awkward around the office...
Whoops....

Well now that the beans are on the floor, he talks to me still.
He touches me a little more discreet but a bit more tender.
We know that no relationship will come of this
However, I think we enjoy the fact that no one suspects anything.
A quiet satisfaction that is exchanged through looks, sly smiles and hugs.
Hugs with expert hands, remembering what the opposite body liked.

I maybe making this a big deal,
but is not often that I'm knowingly wanted from across the room.
It's nice, and I'm savoring it.

Wish me sane, wish me something.
~AriVee*

P.S
I love the Noisettes.

Amadeus...sing your sweet melody.

2009-06-19T06:16:00.000-07:00

WELL, its been a while. A long long while. And you know what? Thats ok, becasue loads of people have months in between their cyber mental breakdowns.

*Ahem* Anyway,

It's the summer, and I am working like a slave with two jobs, well I'm getting paid so not really like a slave, more like a paid slave...

Actually, lets just drop the slave metaphor...its not working.

I'm Working a lot. My first job is the Cutco cutlery...yes i sell knives. Honestly I LOVE MY JOB!! i get paid well to go to a clients house, and eat Panera. Awesome right? I know.

The next job is a paid internship at a *drumroll please* A FASHION BOUTIQUE!!
YES.
I am working under two in house designers making clothes. its LOADS OF FUN! and informative. great!

Other then that im doing alright, i hate boys....well a boy actually acouple of boys.......sheesh.
But thats another post

Till then, wish me sane, wish me something
Ari Vee*

P.S:
I am now OBSESSED Mozart, since I saw the movie starring Tom Hulce (the voice of Quasimodo in Disney s Hunchback of Notre Dame) AND IT WAS AMAZING. if you have not seen it get on that.

Working Girl...

2009-05-22T04:47:00.000-07:00

No, not in the way your thinking.

I am now an employed pseudo-adult.
I have decided that I'm in that weird middle pat where your not really qualified as a teenager anymore because you can go to a federal prison, but not quite and adult because mommy is still paying for stuff.
I actually have two jobs, both in sales.
Knives and Clothes....
That's what I'm selling.
Making money this summer,
Gaining skills
All that jazz.
Should be fun.

Oh Hello Again...

2009-03-04T12:07:00.001-08:00

Well.
I think i may have a crush on a boy.
it has been a while, since the last one.
(Those of you who know my history with boys would understand.)
But he's Handsome.
And Funny
And totally has the same views on life as i do.

It maybe to good to be true.
But whatever.
I'm Gonna enjoy the hell ouuta this crush.
I dont even know if hes single.
But we walked home together
And he totally wants the Brown Sugar.
A.K.A
ME.

Wish me a date, wish me somthing.
AriV

so.

2009-02-08T07:45:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in this thing in a few weeks.
I'm Listening to my Diva Playlist on Itunes.
That includes but not limited to:
-Bette Midler
-Barbra Striesand
-Patti Lupone
-Tina Turner

I know its great.

I have recently been introduced to the most amazing obsessions. Well I had them already, i just never jumped so far into it.
My appetite was only wetted when i was younger. I didnt have the resources to really obsess over my divas.
And now I have the money and opprotunity and I love it.

I apologize because I am not making any sense.

Wish Me Somthing
Ari V

Ha...I Made a Funny

2009-01-26T22:14:00.000-08:00

Today I was on the subway with a Loving Roomie and I was people watching...of course. I saw this girl who had relaxed her hair. I have a question...

Why do we perm our hair?

I know that there are a lot of shitty, sell out answers but I think that only ONE is true.

We don't know.
at all.

Ask any black woman, and this will be your answer....

"Well........its because (insert stutter hear)...our natural hair...um...kinky...kitchen....cannot compute...overload(explode.)

No one knows.

The most common answer you'll get is, "I can't deal with my nappy hair" Yes you can, you just don't want to. I'll understand if you just told the truth, "I dont think its the norm, and I won't be excepted." Who wants to be normal anymore? How boring. If you dont "deal" with it, respect and appreciate it, then who will?
NO ONE.

I dont know about you, but I love "dealing with my hair"

"Deal" with you childs hair. Dont put chemicals in your 5 year old childs head. Thats too young to be putting harmful detergents in their heads. Let them have a choice. EVERY Black woman I have talked to has said, and I quote, "When i was younger, my hair used to come down to here (puts hand conveniantly under boob-area) Then my mama put a perm in it and it all feel out. That outta tell you somthing. Lucky me I didnt get a perm till I was 12, doesnt make it ANY better.

Dont you know as soon as you hair is damaged by a perm you HAVE to keep putting on in. We all know that transition moment, when you hair is in rehab, and its is WITHDRAWING like a mother? That because is it addicted to the monthly, yearly or daily fix. Yum, drugs.

Sure, I wish that I had straight tresses so that I can wear a cute cropped haircut, but a relaxer won't do it for me. It won't look the same without loads of flat irons and pressing combs and a world of disappointment because my hair won't move, it looks like artificially shiny hair that feels like hay.

Heres another thing, You don't see a "normal" white girl going through so much crap, so why should I?

Its time for us to stop trying to be somthing we aren't, putting down somthing that is US. We need to understand that we are not white, and no chemical is going to change that. You see what it did to Micheal.

So on to the funny I made.

I looked at this girls head and I thought, "Why limit yourself to ONE style, when our natural hair is satisfyingly versitile and healthy. And then when you want somthing different, braid you chemically fried hair while its wet and end up with a greasy braid out....you happy with that?

I'm not trying to be militant or anything, I just want an explanation. I love straight hair as much as the next girl, but not at the expense of my health and confidence.But hey, if all that is appealing to you keep on relaxing, as long as you try your best to take care of it, and just try and love it a little more. Its more then just hair, its who you are. Also, dont put down the women who have excepted reality, and the OTHER idea of beauty.

Wish me sane, Wish me Somthing
Ari V

HA! Well then...

2009-01-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching the SAG Awards with the Loving Roomies. I am officially addicted to the entire idea of award season.

A little history...

I never watched award shows before. Music award shows because they NEVER had artists that I liked perform. They only had all the ones that didn't deserve a record deal in the first place perfom. I never watched acting awards because I was always jealous because I want to be on the screen and on the stage. Petty? I suppose, but I needed to explain right?

Since meeting my Loving Roomies, I have finally felt that its ok to COMPLETELY OBSESS over movies and actors. At first I thought that I was forcing myself to do this so they would like me. Then I woke up

ME, please. It was there ALL along.

Then I remembered a rather brash and inappropriate phrase.

"You can't rape the willing."

I don't know who said it, but I find it appropriate for what I'm talking about. No, my roomies arent violently forcing me to do sexual acts with them, vasoline and a monkey( let your imagination soar on that one...) but I havent been able to be this crazy about stuff, I feel a little relieved that I can do this with people, and not by myself.

All that to say,

I love award season.
And drunk, tipsy Meryl sprinting to the stage, giving feminist speeches.

Wish me sane, wish me famous.
AriV

The Traps Have Been Set...

2009-01-23T12:51:00.000-08:00

Yes, Poor Jake Amadeus Seymour Despereux is doomed.
Just when I was starting to like him.

Now, down to brass tax...

I have been back to Chicago for a week and I have realized that the break was WELL NEEDED. Since I have been back, I have been sketching like a mad woman. I couldnt even think of Fashion back home which scared me a bit. I tried hard to sketch, but i was dry, blocked, incapable. I refused to force any sort of creativity so left it alone.

When I came back, I helped my bestie with one of her birthday dresses, and had a metaphorical headache from the frozen, sleeping wheels in my mind, as they creaked and croaked to life. I was relieved to say the least, that I was finally capable of being inspired, of having my eyes staring off and cloaked with an idea of how to make somthing better.

Thats really all I have for today...

Wish me sane, wish me somthing,
AriVee*

Well Theres a Mouse in my Kitchen.

2009-01-18T17:14:00.000-08:00

I could only hope that he got into the cleaning supplies.

Anyway. I am back in the Loop, getting ready for class again. However I am mostly by myself partly because my Loving Roomies have not returned and my one friend that is here spends time with here loving hubby and of course I respect that.

So in my time of isolation, I am reminded (as I am often in my sporadic periods of anti-socialism) that I dont mind being by myself. Its quite relaxing when I think about. No forced conversation, because frankly I am SICK of talking after a month and of half of "catching up" with my numerous chatty friends, and answering the dreaded, "How is Chicago" question. I always want to answer, "Have I moved back yet? Well, then there is your answer my friend." But I refrain, because rudeness leads to no more love offerings.

I like that I have an unspoken agreement with on of my Loving Roomies, that when we are together we don't HAVE to talk. Our faces say it all. Its nice to have no pressure and still have a rather healthy relationship. My other more talkative Loving Roomie chimes in at the absolute perfect times, so I don't mind HAVING to talk to her when we are together, I rather like it. Not to mention she has her quiet moments too, when she's on the phone.

Another reason I don't mind isolation is because I get a great deal of healthy thinking done. I sit on the couch and escape to the corners of my mind thinking of everything. How I am 15 dollars away from some sort of purple hair, how the hell I'm going to have dinner when there is an unwanted pet lurking in the shadows. Things of that nature, and I enjoy my 25 minutes of complete silence and staring off into space.

Then there are my blogs, its a different feeling when no one is around you as you archive you mental vomit. It's quite refreshing.

I actually cant wait until my loving roomes return, but right now, I am enjoying my solitude.

To those who suffer these,
Wish me sane, wish me somthing.

Shadows

2009-01-07T19:15:00.001-08:00

Yea, its been awile but what ever. im sitting here listening to my to favorite album, My Brothers Blood Machine, and thinking about a lot of things. There are so many thoughts in my head that I cant even put them into words, but im gonna put their shadows down to give my brain some room to function. I know myself, and i have a tendancy to crowd my mind with ever so fast moving thoughts that i cant move, I become paralyzed and irrational. If only Pensives were real, if only Hogwarts were real. And I Digress. Anyway, While I'm overcrowding my brain i start to obesses about things that shouldnt, but I've been getting better at it. Music has become my crutch, im starting to need it more the air. Is it my goals and dreams that cause this? My constant want to be an AWESOME frontwoman in a band, or the fact that music pumps the beat into the models that stompthe runway. Or maybe its my constant need to temporarily escape my world in the other world of riffs, melodies and creativity. whatever it is i need it more then ever. is that so bad? i don't think so, but it makes me think. I think its funny when we know whats the right thing to do and we preach it to everyone else, then expect them to do what you suggest. however in our own situations we do what we want, then we go to others for advice and when they give their thoughts our thoughts are "They dont understand, they dont know us." even though thet are perfectly right. Yup, I think its perfectly hilarious. I've realized that when you some back to your hometown, the skeletons in your closet began to gain muscles, organs, skin, teeth and minds. They have minds to bring up old things, feelings, pains, all that jazz. but you deal with them because you know as soon as you leave they will die again, waiting for their next resurection. unless they get a car, then they might follow you.

Wow, I'm emo.
Wish me sane, wish me somthing
Ari*

Well here we are

2008-11-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

so....
Right now...
Im in my NEW hometown..
CHICAGO!!!
and i love it. Its loud...bustling
a lot like me...
But it was only a trip...
So im ready to go home
i miss my friends...I wanna hang out with them for my last summer
before college...
Anyway:Seriously digging the look of dreadlocs....
Seriously thinking about changing gears and trying em'
I dont care what you say
Theyre prolly gonna look good on me...

Wish me something...
Ari Vee

The REcap...

2008-09-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

WELL

it had been a little over a month since i have been away at school...

THE VERDICT?

I LOVE IT!!
Its such a great city, chicago is...

So much inspiration everywhere i look!
no i dont get inspired by the graffiti..it already been done,
Though i do love it

But in the things that you dont even think about
The lack of grass, the psycho birds
........the homeless people tha ask you for a blank check...
Yeah i know, has strange

But there is so much here to just look at.

i have made a few friends that might stick around for a while
Isnt colege the place that you make life long friends, tho i shouldnt talk about it becasuse i dont want to jinx anything(Knock on wood)

This place is a mecca for artistry, all kinds
and it a comfortable enviroment to learn and grow creatively

Maybe that why im still here.

Well Hey There!

2008-08-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

Well,
It seems that I am easily manipulated by people I love.
A friend of mine has on of these lovely things, and i just had the BEST TIME READING IT!
Shortly after, I wanted to have someone read my brain vomit too.
Enjoy.

I just moved to chicago....for school
I have been gone for five days and it had been great!
Such freedom, never thought it would be this much fun!
...and this expensive.

I OFFICIALLY have to budget like a mother
after paying for books and coheed tickets, (that were vital I add because I call them my favorite band though i have never seen them live) I am broke....

But I'll get better at this whole thing right?
yeah i will,
Change is good!

wish me somthing,
Ari*